sad to say i missed this...

i found out last night that God's gift to finland, hard rock, and all things both pseudo-christian and pseudo-undead, the band LORDI, was in louisville last month, and i missed it. i fear it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and i am contemplating shaving my head to show my soul's state of mourning.

seriously, though, this band is over the top...



and if you have the guts, go to youtube and look up Devil is a Loser by lordi. they call the devil their...well, don't listen to it at work or in front of kids. i don't understand it, but i still laugh at it.

plus all their videos genuinely scare me. watch them on full screen in a dark room at night, and i bet you don't sleep.

my postsecret crush

a confession:

sometimes i get crushes on other people's creative ideas

as of late, there are two artistic crushes i have: one can be seen at the website www.postsecret.com , and the other is on the new aqualung album Memory Man.

postsecret, a community art project started by frank warren, began as frank sent postcards out to anonymous people and asked them to anonymously submit their secrets to him on postcards...hoping to make them into a collage and exhibit in their area. he began getting cards from people in the area, then people outside of the area, and now from people all over the world. go to the site and read some of them. i'm still trying to pin down what i find so profound about the project: perhaps the (perceived) honesty on some of the cards, or the idea of being confessional to a group of people. i don't think it's odd for that to be attractive to me; confession is supposedly a part of both my faith and my community of faith. i note supposedly because i don't know if it always is, and especially in the later of the two. i'm fairly comfortable being confessional with God, at least most of the time. but being confessional with the body of Christ? why does that feel so odd...

perhaps thats my confession #2: i don't feel comfortable confessing to the body...

but i do...but i still don't. it's weird. i like the concept of confession, and i agree that its essential to our faith. confessing is agreeing with the truth of God about the reality of our actions. it's owning our wrongs and their consequences. it's exposing our flaws, failures, and faults, in the hopes of not returning to them. and i agree with derek webb, who thinks the best thing that could ever happen to any of us is that everything we've ever done be projected on a screen for everyone to see; it would make us be honest with everyone else and with ourselves. and the one thing i think postsecret doesn't accomplish is healing and restoration from the junk we do keep inside; we need the Lord's truth and other's encouragement and correction (and accountability).

but still...one thing i've always been told, perhaps to my detriment, is that i, as a leader (or as a church staff member, or paid clergy, or whatever other distinction one makes between lay leaders and pastoral professionals...geez, it all sounds so horribly professional), am not supposed to be all too confessional with the body. that confessing creates doubts in leadership, that it would be costly to the ministry as a whole. i know it contradicts itself, but it seems like socially those of us in ministry as a profession are taught to hide our stuff--and yet, ironically, thats what leads to all the big church scandals and whatnot...people hiding their struggles and those eventually eating them up, along with those around them. i just wonder where the balance is--you know, like how open can i be with the body? is it with just certain people, but not with everyone? how do you draw those lines? is it just with the socially acceptable struggles (or vague ones) like pride, lust, or lack of discipline, or can it be more that that? and how can i expect a community of people i'm a part of to become honest, open, and confessional if i'm not truly allowed to be that among them?

so i'm a little frustrated. my first reaction to warren's project (aside from "how brilliant--i hate him") was "if only the church could be like this..." and i honestly feel like its socially impossible for me to be a part of a community like that for someone in my profession, or at least impossible without anonymity. is that weird?

enough rambling for now...check out aqualung on your own...

advent is (second)coming!

i've started reading up on the advent--we're going to practice the advent traditions, or at least some of them, this holiday season. i think one of the things i hate about growing up in the SBC is the lack of a liturgy, or at least one that dates further back than the 50's. the more i read about the traditions and symbols of the advent, the more moved i am, and the more excited i get about celebrating it with our family at hope.

one of the prayers i came across reads like this:

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a wonder at the wisdom and power of Your Father and ours. Receive my prayer as part of my service of the Lord who enlists me in God's own work for justice.

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a hunger for peace: peace in the world, peace in my home, peace in myself.

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a joy responsive to the Father's joy. I seek His will so I can serve with gladness, singing and love.

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me the joy and love and peace it is right to bring to the manger of my Lord. Raise in me, too, sober reverence for the God who acted there, hearty gratitude for the life begun there, and spirited resolution to serve the Father and Son.

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, whose advent I hail. Amen.

it takes a lot of guts to pray a prayer like that and mean it...

moving from my fresh experiences in NOLA back into life in frankfort/lawrenceburg has been weird; it's really like walking into a familiar place for the first time. i'm seeing things i've never seen--needs, hearts, people. like at qdoba: i love qdoba tacos, and they fix into my diet on p90x (as i read it, anyway). so i've gone to qdoba about 3 times in the past week, and each time the same dude makes my tacos. and i find myself wanting to talk to this guy...and not just about what i want on my delicious qdoba tacos. i'm praying for him, and i'm praying that as a door opens, i can connect with him, and connect him with Christ if he's not already.

i'm also hanging out at panera a lot, even now. free wifi + republic of tea's chai = happy drew study situation. and there are regulars here, and employees, and people who don't go to hope but do go to panera.

the prayer above is a prayer about preparing my own heart for the coming of Christ. advent is the celebration of the first coming of Jesus and a look toward His second coming. it's about expectation. it's about anticipation. it's about preparing yourself for His return; it's hope, peace, love and joy. and it's about the heart before the actions...

that's one of the big truths the NOLA trip drove home for me...that all of the things this world needs start with a heart that is yielded and bowed down to Jesus...and i see that preparing for everyday situations with everyone i may encounter, including my coming savior, starts with correcting my posture.

some NOLA reflections...

wow, what a trip. i'm still reeling from my trip to new orleans a little bit (and it didn't help my reeling to pack up and head to texas, though seeing michael and amber was a great joy). i'm going to try to gather my thoughts a little here, though it will probably end up being ramblings...

on wednesday, we broke for lunch and went to the KC hall for pizza and an air-conditioned break. while we waited on the pizza to be delivered, connie (from beacon of hope) came and asked for someone to help get a lady into a van who was sliding out of her wheelchair. i followed her our to antoine's van where he was struggling to get a woman back into her chair. i jumped into the van and helped him lift mrs. dee back into her chair. antoine's van wasn't handicap-equipped, and honestly, i didn't know how he got her chair into the van--i just knew she was about to fall out of it. so we slid her back up, and antoin ran a broomstick through and under the arm rests of her chair to restrain her in a bit. once we got mrs. dee in place and locked down with bungee ties (his van was an open cargo van, so we had to stablize her somehow), we loaded up to take her to her house.

i started talking to mrs. dee just to calm her nerves a bit--she was visibly upset by the near-fall, and she didn't see too happy about being bungee tied and broomsticked to the back of the van. i asked her when she had gotten back into the new orleans area after the storm: she told me she was about to see her house for the first time since it was renevated both from the flooding and for her disability. she didn't evacuate until the storm had already hit, and was trapped for a number of days in the superdome. while being transported, someone had severly crippled her by trapping her legs under her wheelchair when moving her. antoine later explained that this tragedy had paid for all of her house renovations and the handicap-accessable van her daughter had taken for the day, thus leaving her stranded. her face filled with excitement as she told me about her new house, how excited she was to see her kitchen; she loves cooking and can't wait to see where she'll be cooking in her own house. she calls me baby like only a older black woman from new orleans can--it sounds more like "bei-bay" than "be-be".

at one point, antoine asks me to duck down so i can't be seen; apparently, he's more likely to be pulled over in this neighborhood if i am seen (because i'm white). "cops in this area would pull me over just to see why you're here. it makes no sense for a white person to be here. 'cross the way i'll get pulled over for being in your neighborhood."

we back the cargo van up to her door, and antoine pulls this ramp out and sets it up so we can roll her right out of the van and into the house. mrs. dee gets a little panic-y as we de-bungee her--she tears up and looks at me and almost cries: "please don't hurt my feet--please watch my feet; they hurt so much..."

i look her in the eyes and assure her that we are going to make sure her feet are taken care of, though i also pray to God--please don't let this be one of those moments where my lack of coordination, balance, and general awareness of reality kicks in...

we back her out of the van and into her house. she marvels at the house, and it really does look wonderful--the tile work and painting was quite elegant, and her kitchen brought her to applause. we left her with two relatives and jumped back in the van. as we rode off, antoine explained a little more of their family situation, how her daughter took the van and left her to fend for herself, and how he had this handicap ramp, so he ended up helping her--

"$300. That's how much that ramp cost me. I can't return it after it's been used. and it hadn't been used until today. now i'm out $300. is it worth it?"

my response was yes: yes it is worth $300 to get someone stranded by their own family back to their house. i thought he was asking a rhetorical question, but he wasn't. he went on to tell me how pissed he was about that $300, and now he had a ramp and nothing to do with it...

i think what shocked me most was that antoine was a pastor. and he looked me in the eye and said that the ramp was a waste. i understand that it sucks to drop $300 on a ramp when the daughter could have taken care of it if she hadn't been selfish. but i do think that there are things that cost us that are worth the cost. apparently, we had stumbled across one of antoine's barriers: the barrier between what is reasonable and what is not when serving someone.

i don't bring this up to sound judgemental--the first place my heart went was to my barriers...the places where i say "that's too far, too much...the cost outweighs the reward..." and it's there where i bacame really disgusted with my own heart. i mean, it wasn't my $300, so it is easy to say $300 is nothing to help someone; but when i look at the limits on service i really do have, i'm ashamed. how many times have i said "too much" to opportunities to serve, "too costly" to opportunites to love, to really offer all of me for the glory of God? i prayed, asking the Lord to expose to me where my limits are, and why they exist--cause i didn't learn them from Him. With time, with love, with effort, with resources--with all kinds of areas, i've determined to give only so much. why waste time where nothing's really going to happen? why love when someone has already rejected love? why keep trying when it's accomplishing nothing? why give if i'm no longer getting?

i'm so selfish.

honestly, how can i taste of grace and live like that? but i do all the time...and i seldom see it. but if if only give to get, if i only love for the results, if i only invest for the return, i am as performance-driven and self-centered as the old nature I'm freed from. I dismiss the cross, neutering the gospel and the power of grace.

and ultimately, i deny crutial truths to our faith: that all I need is supplied in Him, that it is more blessed to give than to receive--

ok--i have to run...i'll add more thoughts as the week goes...

zambia ahoy!

shortly after my last post, i was heading to new albany, indiana to lead worship for a friend of mine's youth group, and i decided to stop in louisville to see my best friend T and all of the crossings crew in their main office. well, T was not there, and neither wa david melber, my long time friend and pseudo-mentor (he would claim he is the voice of the holy spirit for me from time to time, and i only mark him a pseudo-mentor because we're not in each other's lives like we once were). but i did get to see lauren, heidi, chris, and reagan, my surrogate brother/sister. as she and i caught up, i mentioned a lot of the things i mentioned on my last posting to her. she responded with an invitation to go with crossings to Zambia in january; they are aiding in the construction and funding of a school-slash-orphanage there.

so i'm heading overseas for a few weeks...if anyone has some money they want to lend a brotha, let me know...

but i am getting fired up about it; amazing that an opportunity to do some overseas work opened up so quickly, and i have a strange suspicion that this could be a watershed experience for me. as i've been praying about what the next step of obedience entails, one thing that continues to come up (along with what i mentioned in the previous post) is the idea of sacrifice. the more i really look at the world, and myself within it, the more i see people with big dreams, big desires, but very little willingness to give up things to get those big ideas out of the brain and into reality. as a whole, that is... the people who are big sacrificers are the exception to the rule, and they accomplish big things, or fall atempting to accomplish big things.

in the faith world, we live with some tough truths: like faith is required to see the kingdom come on earth, and that that kind of faith is the active-doing-believing-truth-so-real-it-moves-us we read about, and not the acknowledging-the-validity-of-but-not-allowing-it-to-transform-anything type. we believe that provision is found within vision; that vision (or calling) supercedes provision, or that believe and you'll see it, and not the other way around. we believe that there is nothing we will give up that God does not fully make up for in His divine ways. yet that means that we belive giving up things is a part of the process, and that we wil have to sacrifice with no clear vision of how God will provide, but believing fully (to the point of action) that He will be as faithful as scripture, history, and His very word testifies.

and if i'm honest with myself, i don't know how much i sacrifice these days. and what i'm praying about seems like it's full of sacrifice, and i'm wondering where to start; what does obedience require of me? maybe i'm making it more than i need to, like there has to be some noble, virtue-filled move instead of the simple abiding life, which is God's true calling for all of us. and i don't want to overlook the fact that paul and many saints after him found that no sacrifice seemed sacrificial when compared to gaining Christ; but i don't want to act like i'm at that point. i just want to come to a point where i'm willing to say yes before He asks, and being that loose-handed with some things is easy, but others require a lot more than i think i've ever given up. and it keeps highlighting a big question for me: do i really believe? do i believe that He's faithful before i see it (though all of my life and everything else proves it) ? do i believe that no sacrifice is a sacrifice compared to what i'll gain (namely Christ Himself)?

as the wise man told Jesus: i believe! help me overcome my unbelief!

wow. is that ever my faith life...

those ponderings aside, life is so wonderul, full, and amazing. andrew murray was right: the more i recklessly depend on the Vine for everything, the more alive and the more confident i become (in Him to be all in all).

and the new Radiohead album in one of the best albums i've ever heard.