some NOLA reflections...

wow, what a trip. i'm still reeling from my trip to new orleans a little bit (and it didn't help my reeling to pack up and head to texas, though seeing michael and amber was a great joy). i'm going to try to gather my thoughts a little here, though it will probably end up being ramblings...

on wednesday, we broke for lunch and went to the KC hall for pizza and an air-conditioned break. while we waited on the pizza to be delivered, connie (from beacon of hope) came and asked for someone to help get a lady into a van who was sliding out of her wheelchair. i followed her our to antoine's van where he was struggling to get a woman back into her chair. i jumped into the van and helped him lift mrs. dee back into her chair. antoine's van wasn't handicap-equipped, and honestly, i didn't know how he got her chair into the van--i just knew she was about to fall out of it. so we slid her back up, and antoin ran a broomstick through and under the arm rests of her chair to restrain her in a bit. once we got mrs. dee in place and locked down with bungee ties (his van was an open cargo van, so we had to stablize her somehow), we loaded up to take her to her house.

i started talking to mrs. dee just to calm her nerves a bit--she was visibly upset by the near-fall, and she didn't see too happy about being bungee tied and broomsticked to the back of the van. i asked her when she had gotten back into the new orleans area after the storm: she told me she was about to see her house for the first time since it was renevated both from the flooding and for her disability. she didn't evacuate until the storm had already hit, and was trapped for a number of days in the superdome. while being transported, someone had severly crippled her by trapping her legs under her wheelchair when moving her. antoine later explained that this tragedy had paid for all of her house renovations and the handicap-accessable van her daughter had taken for the day, thus leaving her stranded. her face filled with excitement as she told me about her new house, how excited she was to see her kitchen; she loves cooking and can't wait to see where she'll be cooking in her own house. she calls me baby like only a older black woman from new orleans can--it sounds more like "bei-bay" than "be-be".

at one point, antoine asks me to duck down so i can't be seen; apparently, he's more likely to be pulled over in this neighborhood if i am seen (because i'm white). "cops in this area would pull me over just to see why you're here. it makes no sense for a white person to be here. 'cross the way i'll get pulled over for being in your neighborhood."

we back the cargo van up to her door, and antoine pulls this ramp out and sets it up so we can roll her right out of the van and into the house. mrs. dee gets a little panic-y as we de-bungee her--she tears up and looks at me and almost cries: "please don't hurt my feet--please watch my feet; they hurt so much..."

i look her in the eyes and assure her that we are going to make sure her feet are taken care of, though i also pray to God--please don't let this be one of those moments where my lack of coordination, balance, and general awareness of reality kicks in...

we back her out of the van and into her house. she marvels at the house, and it really does look wonderful--the tile work and painting was quite elegant, and her kitchen brought her to applause. we left her with two relatives and jumped back in the van. as we rode off, antoine explained a little more of their family situation, how her daughter took the van and left her to fend for herself, and how he had this handicap ramp, so he ended up helping her--

"$300. That's how much that ramp cost me. I can't return it after it's been used. and it hadn't been used until today. now i'm out $300. is it worth it?"

my response was yes: yes it is worth $300 to get someone stranded by their own family back to their house. i thought he was asking a rhetorical question, but he wasn't. he went on to tell me how pissed he was about that $300, and now he had a ramp and nothing to do with it...

i think what shocked me most was that antoine was a pastor. and he looked me in the eye and said that the ramp was a waste. i understand that it sucks to drop $300 on a ramp when the daughter could have taken care of it if she hadn't been selfish. but i do think that there are things that cost us that are worth the cost. apparently, we had stumbled across one of antoine's barriers: the barrier between what is reasonable and what is not when serving someone.

i don't bring this up to sound judgemental--the first place my heart went was to my barriers...the places where i say "that's too far, too much...the cost outweighs the reward..." and it's there where i bacame really disgusted with my own heart. i mean, it wasn't my $300, so it is easy to say $300 is nothing to help someone; but when i look at the limits on service i really do have, i'm ashamed. how many times have i said "too much" to opportunities to serve, "too costly" to opportunites to love, to really offer all of me for the glory of God? i prayed, asking the Lord to expose to me where my limits are, and why they exist--cause i didn't learn them from Him. With time, with love, with effort, with resources--with all kinds of areas, i've determined to give only so much. why waste time where nothing's really going to happen? why love when someone has already rejected love? why keep trying when it's accomplishing nothing? why give if i'm no longer getting?

i'm so selfish.

honestly, how can i taste of grace and live like that? but i do all the time...and i seldom see it. but if if only give to get, if i only love for the results, if i only invest for the return, i am as performance-driven and self-centered as the old nature I'm freed from. I dismiss the cross, neutering the gospel and the power of grace.

and ultimately, i deny crutial truths to our faith: that all I need is supplied in Him, that it is more blessed to give than to receive--

ok--i have to run...i'll add more thoughts as the week goes...